Night in the City of Towers

Suit Up! A ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ by Barney “Crake Galt” Stinson!

Turn to Page 6 to ‘Release’ ‘Hell’ ‘Fire’ ‘Today’…

You walk into a room were only in the footsteps of God will you proceed. Wait. Wrong adventure. You unlock the door to the tomb and enter a room containing some statues, a locked door, and several plates on the ground emblazoned with seemingly random words. The obvious choice is to step on a few of the plates and see what happens. When the more tame options like ‘Open,’ ‘Door’ and ‘East’ don’t produce any results (of course), you step on ‘Fire’ and immediately are attacked by several molten creatures. Crake makes good use of Thundering Armor to hide behind Anwen; Miroslav and Tupoc discover that lava bathes aren’t comfortable; and Fie did something, I’m sure. Of course the first thing your new friends do is step on the ‘Hell’ plate and unleash a TOWERING INFERNO OF miniature doom in the form of a wee little dragonthingie. He hurts. And can go invisible. You prevent your foes from spawning any more allies by standing on the ‘Fire’ plate. Many burns later, you emerge victorious!

Turn to Page 9 to debate for several hours whether to rest in the tomb or go out and rest.

Turn to Page 11728 to choose to end the debate by resting in the tomb and be sneak attacked by some Kruthik.

Fie and Crake hide in a corner and try to avoid combat while Miro, Tupac, and Anwen attempt to prevent the Kruthik from alerting reinforcements to your presence. Miro performs an amazing avenger act by lunging at and grabbing a Kruthik just as it is about to scurry into its tunnel only to lose grip of it. You decide to choose option B and exit the tomb before tangling with more Kruthik while weakened.

Turn to page 11729 to head out of the tomb with some Kruthik corpses for Brugar then rest and resupply.

Turn to page 25 to reenter the tomb.

Continuing further into the tomb, past the puddles of lava goo and Kruthik bits in the first room, you enter another room were only in the footsteps of God will you proceed. Choosing to ignore the obvious trap, you continue up the steps on the other side of the room and attempt to open the door, only to SURPRISE, trigger the trap. Inspector Gadget-like, the stairs turn into a slide that sends you back towards the inscribed plates in the middle of the room where the Kruthik have decided to reappear. Some tiles surrounding the plates turn into targets for ceiling spikes and others swing away to send victims into a magically meat grinder. While dancing around the plates trying to avoid traps and Kruthik; Fie, Crake, and Anwen disable plate mechanisms while Tupoc and Miro provide cover. With the traps disable and the Kruthik squished, you carry on.

Turn to page 28 for the zombiepocolypes.

Finally you enter a room were NOT only in the footsteps of God will you proceed. But there are two zombies and one huge zombie hanging out in a waterfall surrounded by what appears to be force-field emanating statues. Miro pulls a Scorpion and a can of holy whoop ass on the huge zombie and obliterates him. The next few minutes are spent with Tupoc as a meat shield while the rest of you try to figure out how the hell to hit the zombies. Just as all hope seems to be lost, Anwen’s emo rage causes her to shoot the statues in an attempt to disable whatever force-field they create. But the statues are too tough. In desperation, she plucks out the bejeweled eyes of the statue and low and behold something happens! Nearly dead, you crush the last zombie.

Turn to page 67 to see what you won!

Bloodied and exhausted, you have made your way halfway through the tomb. Who is Assurta? Can you trust Vilora or Anwen? Was it a good idea to let Tupac have garnuts? Was that how I met your mother?

Tune in next week for answers to these questions and more!


EMO RAGE?!? Why, I….yeah, okay. you got a point.

also, CYOA may be the finest novel-writing format yet invented by the mind of man.


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